Unworthy

I don't deserve you

It's what I often think about when I ponder our future

I have a left eye filled with a limitless hunger

And a wicked heart that wavers easily with emotion

Both caged, both contained, both unable to be allowed to freely exist

This curse I have brought upon myself with years and years of sin

Oh how I wish I could remove them both

Words unspoken, words never said but filled with saturated truth
I wish I could love you as I had them

I wish I could love you as you have me

I wish I could love you as I do her

I wish I could love you as you deserve

But the heart is wicked, and with my mind I love

All I ask is that the past be forgotten

That I may never ask of the what ifs 

The what whens

The what hows

The what or's 

The what nows

I cannot love you with all my heart

For it's an untamed beast, hungering to consume all

So many people exist, so many pathways to explore

So many possibilities, so many chances at happiness

So many potentials, so many truths

To allow it free will surely be my fall

And so I pledge I will spend each day loving you as you deserve

Pledge each day filling your seconds with joy

Pledge each day reminding you how important you are

Pledge each day becoming worth your love

Left eye left eye may I please remove you?

Stabbing into the socket, pulling you out

Left eye left eye you carry my curse

A sin that's fed and only made worse

May I someday accept the joys of life

And my heart never filled with strife

May I someday be worthy

With a heart that may be set free

May I someday love you with all my being

And spend the rest of my years believing 

To N Love

Left eyes and Emotional Hearts

I often wonder about the what-ifs, though I would rather not bother and keep looking forward. Yet it is hard to turn away when I'm filled with delusions that there's potential there. Someone so deserving of love and yet has been absent from it for years, someone so beautiful with their own sense of charms with a set of traditional values any good American could appreciate.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had taken that job if I perhaps hadn't found another before I saw you. I once described you as the sunshine of the day, ever bright, ever beaming with radiating joy, it was so hard not to love you and the same not to fall in love with you. I'm not saying I do but...there's at times I feel my heart rushing at the thought of you. I wish...I wish you would find someone worth loving and who could love you the same deservingly. Someone like you shouldn't be alone, someone like you deserve to be loved.

Even after years has gone by it still beats as if you were just here yesterday. It still speaks poetically to your name to the way you smile, the way you beam with joy, it's hard to see this horribly broken world when you're standing in front of me. There is reassurance in it, comfort and a deep sense of peace for the one who stands behind you is even greater. And you make that very evident.

But I cannot and should not, it's within the left eye that I can't trust- the heart that I hold contain for it runs purely on emotions and sways very easily as the leaves do. Leaving me with my mind, we cannot be together for anything built on betrayal will result in a cursed foundation, lacking every blessing and scowled by the very eyes of Heaven. So please find someone soon to love so that I may finally close this door and let go to never love you again.

To Kristina M, the sunshine of the day

A dream about the beginning of the end

It's been a while since I've last written on this blog post but I usually do for the sake of having something to look back to when it comes to my past. In a way, it serves as my personal memento box giving me something to reflect to later in life. Today I want to record a dream I just had while it's still vivid in my mind. In the dream, we were in Plant City, a small town I had grown up in near a High School I never went to and in the area there was our new apartment that my current girlfriend and I had just moved into. And we were in one of those storage facilities getting more stuff to pack into the car to take back to our new apartment. Her mom was there and she was driving this old Cadillac, and I was outside under the shade of a tree looking out over the facility and these two workers parked outside talking to one another. While my girlfriend was inside our storage unit going through some of our goods, I was outside just wandering around the area and right along a small chain linked fence. In my dreams I don't often dream of sunny skies, mostly it's dark, cloudy or night time but in this instance, it was a bright sunny day. But what caught my attention was that the sky began to cast a shadow over the land, so when I looked up I saw the moon forming an eclipse in the sky as it became a massive shadow, and then very quickly so too did the sun without the moon's help it too became covered in a shadow. So in the bright sky, you'd see two large planetary forms enveloped in shadows. I remember reaching for my phone and trying to take a picture, even going so far as posting it on Facebook so everyone else could see what I was seeing in that instance and in some way to serve as a warning to others. That's when the earth's gravitational pull shifted and grew even more powerful, the winds had picked up in speed much like an angry storm while the rest of the sky started to grow darker. But instead of the winds moving, it was the earth itself moving as it started to spin faster on its axis, all while the ground started to groan and shake from the motions. And all I could hear around me now were the panicked voices of people screaming whereas earlier all I heard were just the sound of children playing outside. I started rushing to our storage unit where my girlfriend was, hoping to get to her but also hoping to find someplace safe to shelter it. I didn't know what to expect, I was in shock and scared for my life, I didn't know if the gravitational force would just give in and force us all out into the sky or if some major flood would occur that we'd all be swept up in or if the sky would collapse and our oxygen would flee from us. And it was hard to run because the gravitational pull was immense and the ground wouldn't stop shaking. For some reason, I was unable to reach her or my path was deterred back to the parking lot, very briefly there was this child walking back the same way and all I saw of his face was panic and fear but determination as well to get back to his parents. At that moment fissures and sinkhole started to form all around us especially near the grassy areas. The kid and I fell into one that was no more than five feet deep, he was able to crawl out and rush back towards his family, all while I followed this trench that it formed back to the parking lot. Eventually, it led me back to my girlfriend's mom who was now outside standing at the end of the trench, huddled there as she looked out towards her surroundings. I could still hear the panicking screams of those around us, terrorized and raw fear but I heard her mom say "They're returning, they're returning back to what they were doing as if nothing was happening." At that moment I looked out and saw a massive crowd of people walking back with vacant and empty expressions, they were returning to their homes but the circumstances didn't change. The sky was still dark with no sun or moon to give out light, the skies were warped up by the motion of the earth spinning fast on its axis with the roaring wind, and the chilling air becoming more colder with the absent of the sun. And the earth hadn't yet ceased to rumble. It was in that moment I finally woke up, and all I could think of was how real that dream felt. Even though it was brief I felt it was important to jot down. This would be one of those dreamed I'd wish to remember. I only wish I could go back to sleep and finish the rest of the dream, continue where we left off. But for now, this is all I have.

Entry: Monday, October 24th, 2016

Today I awoke from a startling dream- a dream which had me appreciating every second once I was in the world of the awaken, and realized it was only a dream. Laying next to my love who seemed to sleep soundly, and her dreams carrying on to some other world- I leaned in, placed a soft kiss along her bare back and tried to go back to sleep feeling a bit relieved. Granted when 5 am came around I was feeling refreshed, all simply because of a bad dream.

I wish I could record my dreams so I may play it for everyone to see, my life often gets boring from time to time but in my dreams it can be very exciting, very vivid, detailed. And in almost all my dreams I'm often traveling, on a journey and not yet settled. In my dream I am a nomad of a world that I barely understand and barely have explored. The longing to see the world plays again and again.

Today it took me to a place I could only describe as resembling Chicago, I've been there twice before and it's such a lovely city, and such a big city- here in FL I've only ever seen buildings no more than 30 floors high but in this city these buildings break through the sky. In my dream I was in a city that closely resembled Chicago but only the architecture was...different. It was modernized but also had a futuristic feel to it, like something you'd see straight out of a sci-fi movie, tall towering buildings twisted into strange shapes, every one seeming to compete with one another in being the most eye catching.  Unimaginable heights, indescribable, at the moment I can't even find the right words to describe these sky scrapers but it was wondrous but left me in awe when I look up to see this sight of human achievement. But even more was despite how modernized everything was within this city there was a local park nearby and a bridge that connected you to it, the bridge was untouched by this modern world it was made entirely of red bricks along the sides of it was carved strange gargoyle figures facing outward and there I was sitting near the edge of this park on a bench where I seemed to be waiting for a bus to pick me up. Just watching as traffic comes ago, enjoying this view of the city and admiring the draftsmanship of the brick bridge, and as people went about their day some enjoying the park, others trying to make it to work. it was a beautifully painted scene. I could of lived in that moment for the rest of my life.

But then I heard something coming from the far side of the sky, a roaring of a plane- only this particular aircraft was about the size of a jet-plane, a little bigger in size, and was hovering with four turbofans on the bottom of the aircraft. It whizzed right over the bridge barely hitting in, shot up straight into the air and with a loud boom it crashed right into one of the towering buildings right in the middle of it's structure. Upon impact I saw debris shoot straight into the sky in all directions causing mass wide panic to everyone around me and suddenly within the dream I was reminded of 911, what people on New York city must of gone through when the towers were hit. I looked to the sky and still saw fire bursting out from the building, debris still flying and heard a man shouting "Take shelter inside, take shelter inside!" I watched as the massive building began to collapse falling towards the center of downtown, bracing to fall into another towering structure. All of this was happening no more then three blocks away from where I was sitting, and when the building collided into another I saw more debris flying only this time heading my way. And the impact created a heavy cloud of dust...but I had no where to run to, nowhere to take cover, I was at the edge of the park and I wouldn't have enough time to run to the nearest building. In that moment I ducked, covered my neck with both my hands and braced myself for the dust cloud and for the debris flying my way. I prayed, I prayed that I will make it out of this alive- or that if I did die that God would remember me and not let me be damned to Hell. I was ready to accept my death- in that moment of panic and fear- I woke up in bed. Feeling so relieved and startled. It was so vivid. And for that moment I appreciated life alot more. I really don't know what it means or what to make of this dream, but I want to remember it. I want to look back on it, I don't want to forget so that's why I've taken to typing it up onto this blog post. It was such a beautiful city...

A Reliably Uncertain Ship: 2015- 2016

Arrgh!...Sorry I meant that as a groan, I'm groaning. It's been well over a year since my last post, I feel like I'm in an AA meeting or better yet Anger management, so long has it been since I've vacantly expressed myself on this site.  It's strange how it feels to look back, it's as if I left an image of my former self on pause only to come back looking like a complete stranger. I can't say I've changed for the better or the worse, or if I've even really changed that much. Certainly my perspective of things have...I think.

When we last left off I was starting my first day of work at a retirement facility, my brother was having a kid, my father passed away and after much heartbreak I was on my way to falling in love again. So we'll start as all books should be read; from the back to the front.

As you may know my past has been a series of let downs and heart aches especially when it comes to relationships. I can almost remember the faces of all those who've broken my heart, though their names are fading but over the years it's taken it's toll on me and for that it's caused me to have a very low view of my self-worth, building onto my self-hatred, and fortifying my insecurities. So for anyone to take me under these conditions and still find the compassion to adore me is a great feat in itself, for someone to love me more than I could myself is a thing of a fantasy I didn't know could exist. Her existence to me is proof that God still listens. We went on our first date then in our second after that well we hit it off and from there on I couldn't find the right words to describe how I felt for her. From there on I neglected to post anymore on this site.

She's a half I wish I had, the most kindest person I've ever met even when she's yelling at other drivers on the road I still can't help but admire how much self-restraint she has not to wish for them to die on the spot. Ever compassionate even the animals flock to her like she's humming a sing-a-long, even the most vile creatures in the world she looks at with empathy, she helps me restrain the poison of my rage and anger with this. She's adorable, I love watching her, reading her expressions or her quirky facial gestures she's every bit cute as the critters she adores and I haven't grown bored of it as it still gets me each time I see her, it still makes my heart flutter with joy. The stinging butterflies. She's like my joy incarnate, I can't help but feel happiness in her presence, even when I'm angry or upset she at least alleviates my temper a bit. I love her so much and I thank God each morning that she exists and is still here, I want to burn everything we do and share into memory so when the time comes when my mind begins to go I can relive those days again. I love her and she's the best thing to happen to me in...so many years, and while I would say my life- I still have much of it to live. So it's going great, we're still together it's been well over a year, originally we were but minutes away then she moved and it was hours away- but we somehow managed and now she's no more than minutes away. And she's even working within the same facility as me so I get to see her almost every day. I just hope I don't grow too comfortable to the point I begin to take things for-granted. I want to continue to adore her as the day we first met.

Where there is a rising there is a falling, a sun rises and the night falls. It's also been over a year since my father passed away, I miss him still and sometimes while the middle of tasks at work or home I'll pause a moment as a faint image or vision triggers a memory of the last day he lived and the day of his funeral. It saddens me each time it strikes me, still I haven't fully grieved my father, still my heart aches when I think of him.We still haven't resolved his life insurance account but it's in the process of getting done hopefully so we can wrap this all up, recently I've discovered that my aunt- my father's sister- withdrew all the money from his working account and retirement pension without ever telling me...I feel both hurt and relieved. For the longest time we were certain it was his late girlfriend who did it but in actuality it was my aunt all along, so I'm not as upset. But for her to do this without telling us and even to give my mother trouble when she had tried to collect the documents needed to access the life insurance account...is still a very low blow, I wonder will I even want to keep her memory alive when she passes. Maybe even the entirety of that family will be removed from the memories of my future children and children's children. But we'll see.

My brother had his first kid this past year, he's a young peanut with big eyes and light hair. I wish I could spend more time with him but due to the circumstances of my relationship with my older brother I've been keeping myself at a distance from the baby. Yes he's become a father but he's also become an arrogant prick that needs to be knocked down several levels to show a bit of a respect and appreciation, and for that my prayers for him is for God's own mighty hand to strike him down, to suffer, and be a humble man. I just want him to fall all the way down to an equal level as me so he can also appreciate the view from way down here. To remove the hedge built around him, to be removed of all the material things of this world even that of his position and status, to see as Job had. But until then I'll continue to resent him, to loathe him, may God shatter his self-righteous armor so he may put on the garments of rags as a true servant should. May his son not suffer the arrogance of his...perhaps it's all in plan, that he may be meek instead of following his father's example. Is it too much for me to ask God to beat up my brother?

It's been well over a years since I first started working at the retirement facility, I've gone from being the newbie first-time cook to being second in charge of the kitchen, or Dietary Lead as my bosses boss has labeled me. While I could be the manager and have had several opportunities to, I haven't been self-confident enough to take it, on top of the kitchen still in the process of hiring a full staff of reliable cooks and it's still a mess with issues still needing to be fixed. But eventually I'm going to have to take over and probably soon with how things are going, there shall be mutiny. Originally when I started there was only my kitchen manager, two other cooks and myself- then he got fired after tampering with expenses and they hired a new cook who later became the new manager after a month, then both the original cooks quit just leaving him and me as we dare to steer this ship on our own. Along the path we picked up two stranded cooks and once more took to sail! But after less than a mile of travel we eventually made those two walk the plank out into the vast sea of unemployment where the festering sharks lurk. I only felt remorse for one the crew members for she performed outstandingly...but if only she showed up to her shifts instead of calling out 9 times within 3 weeks. As for the other, I loathed her existence she was like a wailing siren- only her nagging and groaning made us wish to direct the ship into a reef of rocks...so I could stop hearing it, god I hated her.

So once again it was just the kitchen manager and myself in this lonesome ship, until eventually an experienced admiral took charge of the ship shoving aside the captain and lead us to glory!...but then he drank too much rum, and walked himself off the plank without any word or notice... again it was just the former captain and me. (Literally the guy was an experienced executive chef with over 36 years of experience, but he just up and left without any notice while in the middle of making dinner for the residents. He was also caught drinking on the job). After sometime in the windless sea we eventually acquired a new captain after a few days of him working, and two new crew members (a morning cook and evening cook) shortly after they made the former captain walk the plan and hasn't been seen since then. And now we're at the present, while I'm not the most experienced cook I am the most steady employee in the kitchen. We've gone through three managers, and four cooks since the beginning of this year and we're finally close to getting a full team together, our new manager and three other cooks- they're still trying to hire one more to fill the gaps then we're good. As of recently I've been given the position of second in charge, but in truth my voice booms louder than those of my manager and cooks combined. I might not be the most experienced cook since this is my first time working as one but I do know this facility well and it's residents. Just as a first mate would of their ship and their crew members, when the captain is not around I take charge I direct the ship and it's crew. And if the captain continues putting the food cost as a greater priority over the happiness of the residents then we'll have to call mutiny on him as well. And I'll be left with no choice but to take charge. After all it still gives me joy to serve these residents, and I'll do what it takes to make them happy and full. Arrgh!

A dragon's curse

Present me a smile and another one too
For in the end they held no truth.
Bewildered with a confused heart
All while leaving me in the dark.
I sought the light but you brought pain
For this I'll continue to look at you with disdain
I fought so hard, so very brave
But in the end I was only digging my grave.

When you close the distance...will he cherish you as I did?
When he hurts you...will you remember me?

How much suffering will it take for you to see?

A false love... you should of been rid of.

The dagger that should of severed your foolish love
Turned against me as you pierced it through my heart
With my last breathe I pray that this will fall apart!
To the demons below, and the angels above
I curse you...

"May you feel an even greater pain as you had done unto me.
May his words be empty in bringing torment to your eager ears.
May his eyes be vacant of any soul as he gazes back into your own.
And his touch remain cold, as the warmth of love snuffed out.
Suffer! May you suffer so terribly as the darkness consumes you whole.
May you see! See with your own eyes the dark prince you foolishly cling to!"

...may it all pass by as a new light enters your life.
May his words hold truth and affection to your ears.
May his eyes be filled with loving emotion as he meets your own
And his touch so warm and gentle with a love burning.
Joy! May you feel joy as it fills you whole!
May you see! See with your own eyes the love you should cling to!
To the demons below, and the angels above
This I pray of you...

For only then will you realize your own self-worth.
And find the real happiness meant for you.
When he makes you feel beautiful...will you please forget about me?

...But should the shadows claim you first
I will be here waiting in a casket built for me.

A letter to my father

Father

    It is hard to describe how I'm feeling right now

For even now my mind struggles to realize the shocking reality of this

For within a second you were there barely hanging on for life

And in a second you were casually swept away from this world

It was like watching a candle being snuffed out

It all happened so fast, I still have yet to fully process it.

My biggest regret is that I didn't get to know you

But from hearing all of the stories your friends and family have shared

I've come to discover you were an amazing man

They tell me you were a good man with a very kind heart

That you only ever had good intentions, and evilness couldn't blemish you

That you were honest at heart and the temptations of wickedness couldn't reach you

That even when presented with opportunities, greed did not get the best of you

You were a good man, I wish I had known you

Unfortunately you were also comfortable, and I had resented you for that

Comfortable to stay in one place and not ever move at all

Very often did I wish you would of came to be here with me

Maybe come across to see me, to be together for once

And the language barrier put ourselves even further at a distance

We couldn't understand each other's tongues, yet that didn't stop you from trying

From trying to reach out to me, to open up communications

So many times have you reached out only to be taken forgranted

My bitterness, my pride, my resentment, and my grudges

Did nothing to waver your good heart

And there's nothing more I would like to do then to talk to you again

Yet despite my ill feelings towards you

You were still proud of me

"My boys" "My werco" was how you described me and Carlos

I, your only son, Carlos, the son you loved as your own

We were the bright moment of your life

And I imagine it kept you smiling on towards the end

You were always so happy to see us, so proud of us

Even despite my short comings and my brother's distant heart

As I selected your clothes, as we hold your funeral

May you please tell me, are you still proud of me?

A tragedy it is for a good man to die

If God keeps taking all the good men away, where there be any good left in this world?

A pre-rapture of the rapture itself, and all I've learned is

That life is cruel, no one would know this better than you

There is no karma for the terrible things happen to both the good and bad

You were so unlucky, your life filled with so many tragedies

What I've learned is that goodness has no place in this world

Even in death you suffered through a poor man's funeral

Wearing a suit I had intended to use for a wedding before ever being used for a funeral

Is this God's reward to the good men?

Yet none of those things ever really broke you, did they?

The goodness in your heart was considered a weakness to many

But that didn't stop you? The world's angry yelling did nothing to yield you

Still you continued to flash that cheery smile, and allowed your heart to warm

Continued to spread kindness and joy unto others

Wealth and nice cars did nothing to allure you away from your upbeat charm

The kind of men who could bring the joy out of anyone's heart

Even while suffering the bad circumstances you could still smile and bring good humor

You were never really broken, you were more solid than weak.

The tragedy is that I'll never fully understand this aspect of myself

In your death goes the many opportunities to know this part of me

So many questions will be left unanswered, so many voids left unfilled within my heart

All those opportunities to spend time together, all those memories we could create

Every chance to say to one another 'Te quiero'

Any chance to embrace the future is gone. 

How badly did I wish to someday return back to Mexico

With my wife and kids and introduce them to you 'This is my father'

'Y papa, esta es mi esposa y mis hijos' I wanted her to meet you

To meet the man with the loving heart, to make you proud

To make you an abuelo.

But like a candle you were snuffed out.

And with you a part of me.

I hope in the moment your heart stopped beating, when your breathe was no more

Father I hope in that same moment that your body released it's spirit

That you were able to know more about God then anyone else in this world. 

I miss you and hope someday I'll see you again.

-Your son, your werco