A Reliably Uncertain Ship: 2015- 2016

Arrgh!...Sorry I meant that as a groan, I'm groaning. It's been well over a year since my last post, I feel like I'm in an AA meeting or better yet Anger management, so long has it been since I've vacantly expressed myself on this site.  It's strange how it feels to look back, it's as if I left an image of my former self on pause only to come back looking like a complete stranger. I can't say I've changed for the better or the worse, or if I've even really changed that much. Certainly my perspective of things have...I think.

When we last left off I was starting my first day of work at a retirement facility, my brother was having a kid, my father passed away and after much heartbreak I was on my way to falling in love again. So we'll start as all books should be read; from the back to the front.

As you may know my past has been a series of let downs and heart aches especially when it comes to relationships. I can almost remember the faces of all those who've broken my heart, though their names are fading but over the years it's taken it's toll on me and for that it's caused me to have a very low view of my self-worth, building onto my self-hatred, and fortifying my insecurities. So for anyone to take me under these conditions and still find the compassion to adore me is a great feat in itself, for someone to love me more than I could myself is a thing of a fantasy I didn't know could exist. Her existence to me is proof that God still listens. We went on our first date then in our second after that well we hit it off and from there on I couldn't find the right words to describe how I felt for her. From there on I neglected to post anymore on this site.

She's a half I wish I had, the most kindest person I've ever met even when she's yelling at other drivers on the road I still can't help but admire how much self-restraint she has not to wish for them to die on the spot. Ever compassionate even the animals flock to her like she's humming a sing-a-long, even the most vile creatures in the world she looks at with empathy, she helps me restrain the poison of my rage and anger with this. She's adorable, I love watching her, reading her expressions or her quirky facial gestures she's every bit cute as the critters she adores and I haven't grown bored of it as it still gets me each time I see her, it still makes my heart flutter with joy. The stinging butterflies. She's like my joy incarnate, I can't help but feel happiness in her presence, even when I'm angry or upset she at least alleviates my temper a bit. I love her so much and I thank God each morning that she exists and is still here, I want to burn everything we do and share into memory so when the time comes when my mind begins to go I can relive those days again. I love her and she's the best thing to happen to me in...so many years, and while I would say my life- I still have much of it to live. So it's going great, we're still together it's been well over a year, originally we were but minutes away then she moved and it was hours away- but we somehow managed and now she's no more than minutes away. And she's even working within the same facility as me so I get to see her almost every day. I just hope I don't grow too comfortable to the point I begin to take things for-granted. I want to continue to adore her as the day we first met.

Where there is a rising there is a falling, a sun rises and the night falls. It's also been over a year since my father passed away, I miss him still and sometimes while the middle of tasks at work or home I'll pause a moment as a faint image or vision triggers a memory of the last day he lived and the day of his funeral. It saddens me each time it strikes me, still I haven't fully grieved my father, still my heart aches when I think of him.We still haven't resolved his life insurance account but it's in the process of getting done hopefully so we can wrap this all up, recently I've discovered that my aunt- my father's sister- withdrew all the money from his working account and retirement pension without ever telling me...I feel both hurt and relieved. For the longest time we were certain it was his late girlfriend who did it but in actuality it was my aunt all along, so I'm not as upset. But for her to do this without telling us and even to give my mother trouble when she had tried to collect the documents needed to access the life insurance account...is still a very low blow, I wonder will I even want to keep her memory alive when she passes. Maybe even the entirety of that family will be removed from the memories of my future children and children's children. But we'll see.

My brother had his first kid this past year, he's a young peanut with big eyes and light hair. I wish I could spend more time with him but due to the circumstances of my relationship with my older brother I've been keeping myself at a distance from the baby. Yes he's become a father but he's also become an arrogant prick that needs to be knocked down several levels to show a bit of a respect and appreciation, and for that my prayers for him is for God's own mighty hand to strike him down, to suffer, and be a humble man. I just want him to fall all the way down to an equal level as me so he can also appreciate the view from way down here. To remove the hedge built around him, to be removed of all the material things of this world even that of his position and status, to see as Job had. But until then I'll continue to resent him, to loathe him, may God shatter his self-righteous armor so he may put on the garments of rags as a true servant should. May his son not suffer the arrogance of his...perhaps it's all in plan, that he may be meek instead of following his father's example. Is it too much for me to ask God to beat up my brother?

It's been well over a years since I first started working at the retirement facility, I've gone from being the newbie first-time cook to being second in charge of the kitchen, or Dietary Lead as my bosses boss has labeled me. While I could be the manager and have had several opportunities to, I haven't been self-confident enough to take it, on top of the kitchen still in the process of hiring a full staff of reliable cooks and it's still a mess with issues still needing to be fixed. But eventually I'm going to have to take over and probably soon with how things are going, there shall be mutiny. Originally when I started there was only my kitchen manager, two other cooks and myself- then he got fired after tampering with expenses and they hired a new cook who later became the new manager after a month, then both the original cooks quit just leaving him and me as we dare to steer this ship on our own. Along the path we picked up two stranded cooks and once more took to sail! But after less than a mile of travel we eventually made those two walk the plank out into the vast sea of unemployment where the festering sharks lurk. I only felt remorse for one the crew members for she performed outstandingly...but if only she showed up to her shifts instead of calling out 9 times within 3 weeks. As for the other, I loathed her existence she was like a wailing siren- only her nagging and groaning made us wish to direct the ship into a reef of rocks...so I could stop hearing it, god I hated her.

So once again it was just the kitchen manager and myself in this lonesome ship, until eventually an experienced admiral took charge of the ship shoving aside the captain and lead us to glory!...but then he drank too much rum, and walked himself off the plank without any word or notice... again it was just the former captain and me. (Literally the guy was an experienced executive chef with over 36 years of experience, but he just up and left without any notice while in the middle of making dinner for the residents. He was also caught drinking on the job). After sometime in the windless sea we eventually acquired a new captain after a few days of him working, and two new crew members (a morning cook and evening cook) shortly after they made the former captain walk the plan and hasn't been seen since then. And now we're at the present, while I'm not the most experienced cook I am the most steady employee in the kitchen. We've gone through three managers, and four cooks since the beginning of this year and we're finally close to getting a full team together, our new manager and three other cooks- they're still trying to hire one more to fill the gaps then we're good. As of recently I've been given the position of second in charge, but in truth my voice booms louder than those of my manager and cooks combined. I might not be the most experienced cook since this is my first time working as one but I do know this facility well and it's residents. Just as a first mate would of their ship and their crew members, when the captain is not around I take charge I direct the ship and it's crew. And if the captain continues putting the food cost as a greater priority over the happiness of the residents then we'll have to call mutiny on him as well. And I'll be left with no choice but to take charge. After all it still gives me joy to serve these residents, and I'll do what it takes to make them happy and full. Arrgh!